Our Lives

自白

今日全日o係屋企, 因為全無意欲出街.

當我攬住蠢包既時候, 我同佢講, "你可能以後都見唔到另一個蠢包." 我係有唔捨得. 但係唔捨得代表左d咩? 代表我仲鍾意你? 代表我只係唔捨得以前既野? 定係代表我仲活o係自己既回憶中, 跳唔返去現實當中? 我唔想係依靠回憶中既事情, 既唔開心或唔捨得而再重新開始. 係咪應該仲有其他supporting details?

自從分開之後, 我要自己從一切唔開心當中去recover. 因為我知道只有自己先可以令自己開心返. 我唔想我既情緒再咁depend on others. 因為咁樣會令我好辛苦. 到而家, 過左4個月, 我已經好返好多, 可以真係嘗試做到depend on me. 我知道我以前都係太過依賴別人, 我既開心唔開心, 我既日常生活, 我既視野, 甚至我既喜好, 都好似跟著別人去走, 無論係朋友, 係男朋友, 係同事, 係屋企人. 我知道自己欠缺一d自我. 所以我好希望自己可以做到靠自己. 但係到而家, 突然有個"新概念"走左入o黎, 你話你想重新o黎過. 老實講, 我接受唔切一d咁突然既野. 我真係"轉數"唔夠快, 我o黎唔切反應. 呢d都係我作唔到決定既其中一個原因.

從前, 男朋友話俾我聽, 佢唔想估我鍾意d咩, 想一切都直接點, 唔好轉彎末角, 咁我就開始嘗試直接表達我既感受, 但係我感覺唔到支持. 每次o係我表達左我既感覺既同時, 你竟然係隱瞞緊你既感覺. 你係清楚知道我唔開心, 但係你話你唔知, 你係知道我因咩事唔開心, 但係你話唔知. 點解你唔可以坦坦白白? 唔通我地o黎到呢個時候你仲要對我迴避你既感覺? 就算到今時今日, 你仲係要咁樣. 我仲可以講d咩.

我禽日唱k既時候, 唱左首Greatest Love of All, 唱緊既時候, 我有一個moment係想喊的. 因為我覺得d歌詞好清楚形容我既心境, 唔知你有無留意到. 我好俾心機唱呢首. "Everybody searching for a hero. People need someone to look up to. I never found anyone to fulfill my needs. A lonely place to be. So I learned to depend on me." "I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows. If I fail, if I succeed. At least I live as I believe. No matter what they take from me. They can't take away my dignity. Because the greatest love of all. Is happening to me. I found the greatest love of all. Inside of me. The greatest love of all. Is easy to achieve. Learning to love yourself. It is the greatest love of all." "And if by chance, that special place. That you've been dreaming of. Leads you to a lonely place. Find your strength in love."

我既思想係好亂好亂. 我整理唔切. 我都好唔鍾意自己竟然理唔掂自己既野.

我講過, 我係理解你既痛苦, 你既唔開心. 但係我怕呢d一切一切, o係重新再o黎過之後, 一樣係會重覆重覆一次又一次咁發生, 之後又再令到大家都唔開心, 之後大家又再頂唔順, 又再一次分開. 我真係無信心.

你講得岩. 呢d係gambling, gamble既注碼係life. 你話the best way to get information is to do it, 咁我就試一試去do it, 我都好想做決定之前係get多d information. 但係當我出左o黎見面既時候, 我又再一次答唔出既時候, 你問我做咩出o黎, 點解今次會同你出o黎. 你叫我點答? 呢d全部都係你自己講過既說話. 可能你唔記得左啦. 我唔係想怪你d咩野, 但係有d野我真係面對面係講唔出口的. 我希望你諒解. 我亦唔會只係單單因為幾件事而去做決定. 但係... 如果... 你覺得我係無了期拖住你既話, 我只可以講句對唔住.

posted by Mandy @ 4:34 PM